torement

I am bringing myself down with the worries of Dustin and Jordan. I still have feelings for them and they keep getting stronger, but I am not going to hurt Josh like that, and he knows it. Dustin keeps telling me that we will run away together and shit and that we will always be together, but then when I ask him about it, it's like he's totally lost or something. Jordan. I don't know, I believe that he really does like me, but it could also be becuase he wants to see me hurt Josh, but I will NEVER do that to him. I'm just so fucking scared and I don't know how to react to it. Like Jordan will come up to me and shit then we will start cuddling, without even knowing what I'm doing to Josh, it scares me. I believe that the reason why I am doing that is becuase I don't have anyone else to cuddle and hold me with Josh not being at school. I dont know, but what I do know is that I can't let that get to me, Josh is all that matters, I will do anything for him, and it's going to have to start with leaving Dustin and Jordan behind, but I really don't want to leave them either. And I will give my fucking life in order to keep Josh from harm. I am not ready for this kind of commitment, but it only comes once and I don't want to lose it. In order to save him, I have to open myself up to the world. I have to become vaunerable to the person I fear most, my dad. Becuase if I get sent away to foster, I don't know what I'm going to do without having Josh there to protect me. I know that alot of the time, I spend it thiniking about me, but I'm sorry, ok? I have been brought up to protect myself and the only way I can really do it is by concerning only about me and what I want. Well I am trying my hardest to change and to change right now only so that Josh will be saved.