*not finished* *untitled atm*

crippled by the past,
its hard to forget.
dieing so fast,
these loving moments.

popping all the pills,
just to make me feel good.
trying to climb the hills,
covered by sorrow and guilt.

handling this feeling,
with a dagger in my hand.
not well enough for healing,
making it that more difficult.

2008 Update

I am living in Stratford, WI. I work at Colby Retirement Community. I just bought a 1998 Chevy Lumina from Wheelers Automotive in Marshfield, WI. Things are starting to look up a little bit. My life has changed dramatically since I moved down here.
I moved out of my apartment in July 2007, in which I was living at my fathers. New Years of 2007/2008 I went to Janesville, WI and spent a week there with my daughters birth father, in which I lost my then boyfriend, Justin.
In February 2008 I met a man named Weston. We chatted and what not for a few weeks. In that time he picked my daughter and I up and we spent the weekends at his place. I moved in before the end of the month.
In March of 2008, he had a major surgery. That was the original reason on why I moved in. But, it became clear, that I stayed for other reasons. I am still living with him, he is also my Fiance. At the moment, he goes to school at the tech. in Marshfield. He is going for Network Administrator. Since he is going to school, he does not work. He watches my daughter while I work the thrid shift. Its nice, since I do not have to pay for a babysitter. But in the big picture, I am, but I do not mind at all.
My ex, my daughters blood father, got his legs destroyed by a 18-wheelers axle while he was trying to halp repair it. Since he can not walk, let alone do anyhting else, I have not seen a single penny in support. If I had it my way, I wouldn't at all. But the state wants money. In order for him not to be obligated to pay, he would have to give up his parental rights to my daughter. He has not seen her since July of 2008.
Recently he and i have been speaking. Nothing real serious, just keeping an eye out for eachother. He is with a chick who is a real bitch to him.
I don't know what to do. My heart is torn between these two men. Wes, he is a great man to my daughter, you can tell that he really adores and loves this little girl. He treats me well and he lets us live in his home. The other, well, I gave him my soul when we were together and when he broke my heart, he wouldn't give it back.
Life is full of drama and it's destorying me from the inside out.

a crude awakening

i was seeing a man named brian. i am seven months pregnant with his child. this is why we are not a couple anymore even though we are still living together at the moment.

He was saying that he doesn't love me and he wished he could. He thought by us getting our own place and spending more time together would help, but it hasn't. He doesn't want our kid. The only reason he was still with me was because he didn't want another bastard child. The only person that he loves he hasn't seen in years. He hates the idea that I get worried and paranoid about him when he doesn't come home from being out drinking all night. He said that he just wants to be left alone and that he doesn't care about anyone besides himself.

I hope that he understands that after this lease is up, I will be leaving. I'm not sure where, but I want it to be out of this state so he doesn't pay child support. I don't want him to have anything to do with his third child. She will not know who he is, she won't even remember him. I don't care if I have to live in a community home, but where ever it is, he will not be in our lifes.

I knew that he didn't love me or our baby. I knew he didn't want her. I knew that he didn't want to be with me. It's just so much harder to deal with when he says it. These past seven months I have been pretending that everything was good and that we were happy. I wanted it to be a fairy tale, but it didn't happen.

I guess I am not the best at making important decisions or telling who has a good heart. He will never be a good dad, he will never be a good partner. He is too far gone for anyone to help him.

When we first got together he asked me to decide to either stay or go because he wanted a serious relationship. I obviously decided to stay. Well, he also said this morning that he was with me to get over Tia. Its been while since he has gotten over her and the night that I told him I was pregnant was the night he was going to break up with me. I wish he had.

Never put an important situation in my hands, becuase I will fuck it up for everyone involved.

I screwed up and now I have a baby (well, shes on her way) that will not have a father and a mother who can't tell right from wrong.

recently

i am dating a guy named 8 mile. he is very sweet and really fucking smart. he works at culvers and has his own place. he doesnt have a car or a drivers permit yet, but hes working on it. he has a short temper and alot of anger build up, but i think that we can work past that. he says that hes a virign, but i dont believe him becuase he is really good in bed. at the end of the month i am moving in becuase he needed another room mate, then we started dating. i dont think that its supposed to start that way, but whatever. i am happy with him. every night, well almost, for the past two weeks i have been over there. my dad threatened to kick me out, again, last night. i was thinking that he should, becuase i already have about 70% of all my shit packed and in my car and i have a place to go. but whatever, i dont think that he actually will. well i have shit to get done so i can graduate.

PROM!

prom was fun. i went with justin. he and i would be together but he is leaving for madtown in a couple weeks. i went swimming in lake minocqua, FUCKING COLD!, and i spent the night at justins. i really wished that something would of happened, but we were way too tired. we slept under the same blanket and used the same pillow. every once in awhile he would rub my back and kiss my hand or forehead. god i miss him! i spent all night with him, i am wearing a shirt that he let me borrow. he asked me to go with to madtown. i am waiting until school is out. i told brian to fuck off becuase i havent heard from him for almost three weeks and im a little pissed about it. there is no reason that i should still make plans with someone who isnt around.

new month

i am now 18 years of age. i have been to the porn shop and bought plenty of my smokes. i have got my tattoo priced but i need a date to get it done. i am not dating grant anymore.

its a new year, time for new beginings. not with me. im doing the same old on a different day. lieing to my dad, running from home, getting myself into shit that i shouldnt be. i cant fucking believe this shit anymore! i am fucking leaving the weekend of my 18th. i need to find a place to stay until graduation, after that i am leaving for washington. im sorry grant, but i made him a promise. god damn it! i fucking hate who i am becoming. i know that im starting to turn out like my mom, but at least im going to get out here and i dont plan on turning back. if that bothers anyone, too fucking bad for you. i dont care, i just need to get out of here. if i never see any of you again, it'll be too soon.

gone

on monday night i didnt come home. it was fun. except my dad beat the shit out of me when i got home, and that everyone was freakign out, i still had fun. i am now dating Grant, yeah, it was fun.