a crude awakening

i was seeing a man named brian. i am seven months pregnant with his child. this is why we are not a couple anymore even though we are still living together at the moment.

He was saying that he doesn't love me and he wished he could. He thought by us getting our own place and spending more time together would help, but it hasn't. He doesn't want our kid. The only reason he was still with me was because he didn't want another bastard child. The only person that he loves he hasn't seen in years. He hates the idea that I get worried and paranoid about him when he doesn't come home from being out drinking all night. He said that he just wants to be left alone and that he doesn't care about anyone besides himself.

I hope that he understands that after this lease is up, I will be leaving. I'm not sure where, but I want it to be out of this state so he doesn't pay child support. I don't want him to have anything to do with his third child. She will not know who he is, she won't even remember him. I don't care if I have to live in a community home, but where ever it is, he will not be in our lifes.

I knew that he didn't love me or our baby. I knew he didn't want her. I knew that he didn't want to be with me. It's just so much harder to deal with when he says it. These past seven months I have been pretending that everything was good and that we were happy. I wanted it to be a fairy tale, but it didn't happen.

I guess I am not the best at making important decisions or telling who has a good heart. He will never be a good dad, he will never be a good partner. He is too far gone for anyone to help him.

When we first got together he asked me to decide to either stay or go because he wanted a serious relationship. I obviously decided to stay. Well, he also said this morning that he was with me to get over Tia. Its been while since he has gotten over her and the night that I told him I was pregnant was the night he was going to break up with me. I wish he had.

Never put an important situation in my hands, becuase I will fuck it up for everyone involved.

I screwed up and now I have a baby (well, shes on her way) that will not have a father and a mother who can't tell right from wrong.